I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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