dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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