come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
