sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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