i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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