I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's shark week go big or go home
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
