I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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