I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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