I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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