i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
operation harelip BJ is a go
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
