Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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