then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
