so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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