Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
