i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
