update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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