No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
