I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize