I can tuck mytits in my pants
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
