Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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