I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
