is your mom at the bar?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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