Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
