It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
