i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
