I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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