She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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