I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My vagina is very pro this idea
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
