My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
