First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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