My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
