did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize