apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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