We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
