just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize