please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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