Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
