the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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