Cold hands, warm shart.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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