We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
