can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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