They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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