Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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