dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can't put those talents on a resume
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
