Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
