literally had 100 drinks last night.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
