mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
