so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
