sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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