just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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