Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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