Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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