I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
