So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
