I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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