I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
