nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
