You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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